How my own self chewed me out in my dream.
So, let’s talk about dreams. I’m blind, and yes, I do have dreams. Although the display part always either runs into a big fat 404 image not found error, or “The display driver not found. Please complain to the creator.”
Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about the dreams… honestly this time.
I get dreams regularly. Sometimes, they show me my past, sometimes they show me what I want to be in future, sometimes, I get a story in my dreams which I often note in my ideas files if I remember it after waking up, after all, they can be great story ideas in the future.
Sometimes, I talk to the voice actors, (I know, strange.) sometimes I get the documentaries about various topics, (And sometimes I myself am subject of those documentaries. It is my dream. I reserve the right to be on them, no matter how arrogant it may appear.) and sometimes, this, darker version of me appears, and chews me out for my life choices.
At the start of October of this year, I suffered one such dream. Naturally, it is much more cohesive and clearer than the actual dream conversation.
“Oh look, the useless and lazy one decided to show his face.”
“What?” asked my dream self, confused by this sudden hostility from my own voice.
“What? Isn’t that enough that you’re incapable of supporting your family in any way. Now you must ask stupid questions too?”
“Well, I suppose you’re that voice which constantly mocks me all the time.” I replied.
“Well, I suppose you’re not entirely gone yet. Now tell me, why haven’t you done anything to improve your situation?” it asked me next.
“What do you mean. I’m doing everything I can.” I replied.
“Oh yeah? You’ve graduated in the July. What have you done since?”
“Uh, look for a job?” I replied. Given how this voice hounds me everywhere, I suppose it should know this already.
“Wow. What a genius you are. And how much success you’ve got there?”
“Look. It is not my fault if people don’t wanna hire me because of my disability.” I said in anger, well as much anger as a dream self can express.
“Then why not listen to your family? Your efforts are clearly useless.”
“And become a bureaucrat?” I replied with disgust.
“Why not? At least you’ll have a steady supply of money for the rest of your life—”
“Look. I get this enough from mom already. If you want to keep bothering me, at least think of something original.” I said, fed up already. At this point, I’m thinking of why isn’t my real self waking up already, and ending this nightmare?
“Okay, fine. So you want to be a programmer. How has that been turning out for you? you’ve been trying at this since 2018. Do you have anything to show for it?”
“Oh, I forgot. Your own mentor told you to go get a government job. My bad.”
“You have no right to say that. I’m trying. It is not my fault that I keep running into other scumbags. Besides, unlike you, who just delight in my suffering, he meant well.” I said, feeling my face getting hot from anger.
“Ah, the scumbags. You were so hopeful that they would clear a path to the freelancing for you. how did that turn out?”
“Fine. I admit, I failed to recognized the first one. But at least I recognized the second one, and decided that I don’t want to do anything with his false promises.” I replied. “Besides, what is wrong with hoping things will work out?”
“In your position, it is a career suicide. Why don’t you just admit that you can’t cut at this game? Just listen to your—”
“We’ve been over this already!”
“Okay, okay. Then tell me. what else have you tried for the freelancing?”
“Check out the places where I could find work like that. but the problem is, I’m inexperienced. Why would anyone give me work? But let’s leave these self doubts aside. What if the platform itself decided to screw me? that is why I’m so weary of them.” I explain.
“Okay, those make sense. But really, if you just roll around in self doubts all the time, you won’t get anywhere in the world.”
With that, I finally wake up.
Effects of this conversation:
Depression. Lots and lots of depression. I’m aware of my reality more than anyone in my family, or certainly any dream entity. But everything pointed out so brutally to me, it just brought me down. Right around this time, Facebook blocked my links, so I was dealing with that as well. (If you want to read about it in more detail, you can do so
All in all, I can only hope that I’ll never have this conversation in my dream, it is bad for my heart as well I suspect, given how fast it was beating when I woke up. It is certainly bad for my mental health.
But you know what? Whether I make it as a successful programmer or writer is unclear. I could make it, or break it. no one has seen the future. But I rather try instead of just give up.
Because at least I gave it my all, those are the only words I have for myself, as I keep moving on to the future with hope.
And yes, you’re allowed to kill me if I ever wrote such a sappy line again.
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