Interview with a Troll: Carlos Garbiras

Introduction:

Carlos Garbiras writes on medium, and sometimes, he is active on Twitter. As you will learn through this interview, he is a massive troll as well. I have to keep the interview short, because I couldn’t think of more questions due to the laughter I was experiencing.

Also, please do check out my web serial, its first chapter is here.

The interview:

Me: I like to start with a simple question first. So, tell us a little about yourself?
I’m a construct that wasn’t in on the joke and I’m still trying to find what all of it means, and by all of it, I mean Velveeta Cheese. What is it? And more importantly, why is it?!
Me: When did you begin to write, and what attracted you to it?
One day I found myself bored in my mom’s uterus, so I used what was left over of the amniotic fluid and started stringing some words together. That’s how I wrote my first 1,000 page novel before I was birth into the world–I have never found that much peace and stillness in my life, and somehow, I find myself chasing it. As it turns out, my draft it was just a knock-off of some Russian asshole. To avoid a lawsuit during my formative years, I dropped the novel—even though mine was better.
Me: What kinds of things do you write regularly?
“Vasofia” which is a Spanish slang word that means trash. It is all trash—impermanent trash that will soon disappear along with me because I can’t even get my mom to read my shit which coincidentally is another good word for what I write: shit.
Me: Any plans to publish a book in the future, maybe a book on parenting?
The world wouldn’t be a better place with my take on parenting, so yes.
Me: Compensation is always important when you look at a field. Do you think it is possible to be a well-paid writer in the current times? If yes, how would you do that?
Wait! People get paid for this? I’ve been lied to. Fuckers! I can’t seem to find an agent, so as of right now, I’m a sales dude by day and an ass wipe writer by night—but really more like an ass wipe writer by early morning because I can’t function past three.
Me: Do you subscribe to the thinking of “Write daily”?
I like to be write at least once a day, but it really doesn’t depend on me. It depends more on the world whether or not that day I’ll be write or wrong.
Me: Any social media tips for upcoming writers?
Yes. Just don’t.
Me: What kind of routine do you have?
I’m typically regular, but if I find myself needing a little help, I can drink a little prune juice. Papaya enzymes are also good.
Me: What do you do for rest and relaxation?
I don’t know what you mean by those words. Are those English words? What do they mean? I have kids, so I only have time for them. I don’t even have time to check the dictionary to check these newfangled terms.